Trich and 2017 plans

I haven’t blogged in a long, long time. This is because I thought, I was maybe taking it a little too seriously. I only started to write a blog to help people I know as well as people I didn’t know, understand what it is to live with such a debilitating illness that takes over your every little piece of being. I began to write to help people who are in the same shoes, know they are not alone. I started this blog to get people to understand, whether they have trich or not that it is an impulsive control disorder and even if you try and stop, it’s like an itch and you can’t… until that feeling has ‘passed’. Yet most times, the feeling never passes. I had a saying that if oneย person was to read this blog I would be happy. Suddenly, I was looking at numbers daily and seeing the drop in how many people was reading it, sadly got me down. I realised then, I needed a break. I was also wondering if what I was writing, pouring my heart and soul into and writing very very personally was a little… too much? I’m still not sure if I write too much into the personal side and if I’m comfortable sharing this with the whole world.

Since my last post, Trich has not been kind to me. Due to other things happening in my life and trying to deal with them day by day, trich has decided now is the time to show its presence. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling pretty weak mentally as well as getting every other cold under the sun at this time and it likes to take advantage. I have had numerous nights and days recently where I’ve just sat there and been SO angry that I could come right back to what feels like the beginning, again. This isn’t just something that I’ve just started dealing with either, 2017 marks around the 15 year mark of dealing with this. FIFTEEN YEARS out of twenty three I’ve lived.

It’s so sad to say, but it all feels way too familiar. The round and round in a circle feeling of the highs and most definite lows. The days and nights I sit there and think, can I even do this again? Can I even look in the mirror and think… my oh my why and how have you done this to yourself, which then changes my thoughts to I can’t go out to enjoy myself because of the way my hair looks. Can I even deal with the thought of people thinking (even though I’m sure they don’t, this is trich being irrational) that they can see a decline in the length of my hair and maybe even notice the very obvious to me, bald patches. Can I really and truly do this again?

That’s when I need to stop them thoughts, as hard as it is. In 2017 I’m going to try, again my hardest not to let the negative dwell on me and turn them into positives. Of course there will be times where I sit there and I will be in that zone of pulling and nothing or no one can get me out of it. Then five minutes later, I’ve managed to snap off yet another big chunk of hair. These times I won’t be able to turn them into positives. There are no positives. It’s just shame. The feeling of being ashamed and letting those people down who have been cheerleading me on. With these thoughts I need to let them be, then move on.

This then requires me to look back to the most positive time in 2016. In June/July 2016 my hair was ALMOST the same length and every time I looked in the mirror I felt HAPPY. I felt pretty and I felt like I could rock trich and show it where to stick it. I felt like I had so very closely BEAT it. Even if my hair stayed like that for a couple of months, I cherished itย and still do. I still think back to them moments and cannot wait to get to that stage of looking in the mirror and feeling the best feeling there is.

I am, however, very very nervous for 2017 and I’m nervous for how my hair looks like this time next year BUT even on my bad days, I’m still as determined as that little girl who was dreaming for that all one length hair, to get there.ย Just now, I have a little help from my friends and family which I didn’t have this time last year, as it was still my own little secret.

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We can do this together, right? I promise I’ll make you (who cares) proud… even if it is a journey getting there.

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A year on…

Today to the day something big happened. It may not seem as something big for many people but if you’re in the same boat as myself you may be able to relate. No family knows about this, apart from my dad. I didn’t tell him whilst it was happening either, I told him when it was over. A few months after. I was struggling a lot whilst down in Southampton. Being away from family gets worse when you are alone and feel so, so shit.

I spoke to a few friends and they all suggested to use the universities services they provide. After all I do pay ยฃ9000 a year to study there, so why not? It wasn’t the issue as such of not using their services, in fact I was all for that. It was more the feelings behind it. They suggested I went to speak to a councillor. A councillor at the end of the day is someone you can go to, to talk about anything and everything. They are there not to judge. They are there to help you get through whatever struggles you are facing.

However, at the time when I thought of councillors I thought of scary times. I’m not sure if that’s because I have been so naive to mental health in the past. I’ve only really seen counselling that happens in movies and on TV shows and lets be honest, it isn’t always positive, or maybe I was watching the wrong things. I had been brainwashed by these types of media that I was frightened to go. I had all these scenarios of what could/would happen. I genuinely had thoughts of; Is what I need help for even valid? Will they think I’m crazy? Will they think that I’m only there to ‘attention seek’? Just as a side track, claiming someone is attention seeking in my book is the worst thing someone can say to you, especially when they don’t know you or even worse if they do. If you suffer from mental health 9/10 you feel alone, even maybe 10/10. You are NOT attention seeking talking out about your problems. No way are you. In fact, you are brave. You are not only helping yourself, but you could be helping other people not feel alone. You are incredible talking out. The stigmas around mental health are SO frustrating when it comes to this.

Anyhow, I went along to my counselling meetings in the hope that the lady can help me. Help me try and get life on track. I’m not sure if it 100% worked out because I didn’t know her and I find it SO hard to open up and that’s the person I am. I even find it hard now to open up to people, to tell them what I feel, what’s going on. I know I was proud of myself for going to try it out, what harm could it of done? I did think it was the best idea for myself to stop them completely after a while.

It wasn’t until I had a moment when I thought I need to stop this. There are people I know who can help. There are. I’m being silly keeping all this inside which is slowly, but surely destroying me. It got out of control that there were nights I woke in the middle of the night with panic attacks and if you know me, even though I don’t sleep a lot whenever I do I treasure it and don’t want to be awoken by this.

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In May this year I really began to use my blog to get all this out. I had my nails done for my birthday in April and it helped me so much with Trich and I finally thought, it’s now my time to help others. I began to write about mental health. Specifically a condition which has taken up 14 years of my life and has little to no awareness about it. A condition which, whenever I write about and click the publish button on my blog, I feel good about writing – even though deep down it makes me feel ashamed. I think it’s more the awareness that I’m raising about it makes me proud. This year alone my little blog has reached 56 countries. That’s countries where people that suffer from the same thing that I have been able to help feel less alone, and there is NO greater feeling than that.

Speaking out about things is SO important and if you can, please find someone whether that be a family member you can trust, a professional like a uni tutor,a manager at work or a medical professional PLEASE talk out. I promise you, you will feel so much better.You will also be helping others, even if you don’t feel like you are. Such a great feeling.

Today I will be celebrating all that I’ve accomplished in a year of going from saying nothing to working on that everyday and getting better. You can do it too, I believe in you.

Busting Anxiety ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป

Ever had an awful feeling something so simple as a conversation you haven’t had yet, take over your every thought and action? Last week was a big week for me reguarding beating one part of mental health I battle against every day – anxiety. I haven’t discussed anxiety in itself on my blog before but it’s time I did. I’m so proud of myself. So so SO proud of myself.


Here’s some feelings I have put into questions that I experienced:

How many times and how many conversations can you really make up that could potentially happen but then to just think constantly about the answers and how you could perhaps change the way you respond to them can one person make?

How many nights will I lack sleep or have disturbed sleep?

How many of them nights will I wake up in a sweat/panic?

How much hair will I have pulled out due to Trich thinking it is a great time to play up? (Oh Trich just never lets me live, it has me under its thumb… grrrrr)

To finish, how many times will my dreams incorporate this meeting and make me think of every single thing that could go wrong and resulting in waking up with my heart going so fast it makes me shake? All over one meeting, that my mind over thought and over thought and would not let me rest.

It was like this whilst outside the room where I had this meeting, let alone the lead up to it. My anxiety was literally shouting at me whilst on my way and outside, telling me to go back home and I wasn’t worthy of talking to someone. That the person I was about to talk to didn’t care and that no one cares. That what I was feeling, I deserved. Anxiety is a nasty, nasty thing to live with. It makes it so hard to get on with your daily life without having these potential set-backs. The reality of anxiety is, it is not cute. Anxiety isn’t trendy. It is awful to feel this way over things that would be so normal to do for every other person. It frustrates me no end the stigma surrounding anxiety.

The day before I had one of the most incredible books delivered* to me. The book is called “We’re All Mad Around Here” and is a guide on how to cope and survive social anxiety. It’s written by a fab lady called Claire Eastham and I have a lot to thank this woman. When she asked me if I’d like a proof copy of this book I couldn’t turn it down. I read the entire book in one night and she made me feel less alone. The way the book is written is like she is talking to you. There is the perfect mix between the science of why these feelings happen and her own experiences. The addition of Claire’s own experiences makes you feel like you’re not alone, especially when you can relate. I learnt an awful, awful lot about social anxiety from this book. I learnt ways that I can help myself and I learnt ways I can help others.

I was able to take what I learnt from this book to before my meeting to make me feel less anxious and nervous. I will be reading this book again, especially if I’m ever in that situation.


I’m proud of myself, that although all the signals in my mind told me to turn around and go home, I was able to overcome them and go into the meeting. Even if the lady told me to put my laptop down because I was shaking too much and was making her feel giddy. I did it. I didn’t let anxiety and it’s overpowering thoughts take over. I’m so glad I did too, it helped me a lot.

If you have something important coming up and you’re in the same situation I believe you can do it. If I was in the state I was and did it, you can as well. You’ve got totally got this. Bust anxiety in the floor and show it, you’re the boss… not anxiety.
** I was sent this as a little gift not as a sponser! Thank you so much to the lovely Claire ๐Ÿ˜˜

Just a little note…

University started again this week and I feel like it’s given me a massive smack around the face. Finally going into the final stretch of my university life and head first into third year is so daunting. Suddenly everything feels so real. It’s now all about getting them grades that will help get me my future after. I have so many anxieties about this such as if I actually have the skills I need to be able to do this in the first place. In fact I think this worries me more than it should. Damn you brain

Sadly it means that I’m going to have to step down a little from my blog. I want to try and post every week but I’m not sure it’s going to happen. I’m going to be trying to juggle university with a job and can already feel the stress. I really hope you all understand. 

 I’ve had the most incredible support over the summer from this blog… it is so crazy that five months ago no one apart from myself knew I had Trichotillomania. I kept it as my own little secret away from the world. I was so ashamed of it and I thought even if I went to try and explain to people they would not understand. I mean, hell even I don’t understand it. It’s a difficult thing to understand if you’re suffering from it yourself, let alone someone who hasn’t. Thank you to every single person has got in contact with me after my posts of Trichotillomania. If you suffer from Trich yourself or know someone who has it then please, if you need someone to talk to… I’ll be here always. 

I’m so proud that through my little space on the internet I was able to reach out to people about this awful illness and try and bring understanding and awareness to people literally all over the world. 

Another thing I’m incredibly proud of is THIS. The first picture is my hair two years ago compared to one of my latest selfies (I take way too many!) HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED!!! I’m not going to lie to you all, I teared up seeing this. I’ve always always dreamed of having hair all the same length, ever since Trich took over and… I’M ALMOST THERE. Almost


Hope to speak to you guys soon. 1st October – 7th October is BFRB (body focussed repetitive behaviour) awareness week and Trich falls underneath this. I’m hoping to post through this week. Thank you with everything I have for supporting this blog and I hope you all continue to, even if I may be a little quiet. MUCH LOVE and remember I’m always here if you’re struggling. Don’t fight it alone. You’ve got this.

Trichy Days and Massive Goals

The blog for today has been inspired by the amount of support I’ve received from people of the inter-webs and people whoย I know. I’m so overwhelmed from the messages I receive when I post Trich blogs.

When I wroteย my first ever Trich post I was so nervous. It was my little secret, something which although it destroys me and makes me emotional as well as angry, it was one thing the world didn’t know about me. Of course if people had seen me they would have noticed the 100 million times which my arm reaches my hair to grab the strands and snap off, but they may not necessary know the term for it. Many people thought it was a bad habit and something I would snap out of and just stop. Through my blog I hope I have given people who don’t know what it is like an insight into how awful and compulsive this mental health illness is. I hope I have given someone who does have it the feeling that they’re not alone in this.

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SAM_0177After releasing my little secret into the world I felt a sense of relief. I thought, well.. at least now people will not question and hopefully won’t find it weird if they catch me pulling or searching my hair. The response from them have been amazing and so many people have contacted me saying things such as they didn’t know it existed and that they may have the same condition but not know about it. That is all I’ve ever wanted from these blogs, to raise awareness as well as letting people know that if they have the same condition that they are not ‘weird’ and they are not alone.

There are days where it is an absolute struggle to get yourself out of the state of you want to pull. It is hard to pull yourself up out of bed and face the world. There are days where you just don’t want to face anyone, you don’t want the world to ask you questions such as “Can you leave your hair alone for a minute?” “Doesn’t it hurt when you consistently pull all the time?” I have days like these, we all have days like these where we don’t want to face everyone but, if you put on something that makes you sassy and you take care of you, you will feel so much better.

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My five top tips for helping me deal with Trich and not getting out of bed which I have used lately are:

Once you do get out of bed, make it. Make your bed straight away. It helps me stop getting back in the covers and stay out.

Do some TLC. Put on a face mask. Put some extra make up on if you want or don’t wear make up at all. Put your fav sassy lipstick on. Wear your favourite clothes or just stay in your PJs. Do what you want but make sure it’s TLC.

BAKE CAKES. I did this the other day and this was also the best thing I’ve done in a while. What’s better than making food, waiting for it to cook then cool, decorate them THEN EAT THEM.

Take a walk. Even if its round the block or down the road. If you’re not feeling up to that open the window. Something about fresh air that makes you feel better.

Read your fav book and put on your fav music and turn it up LOUD. Dance around your room with your hair brush as a microphone or sit and have a cuppa tea with a book. Hell why not do both at the same time.

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This day of taking the photos (that were taken by my fabulous friend Sarah, find her blog here.. Didn’t she do such a fabulous job! Can’t wait to shoot with her again, thanks gal!) was such a success. I am so proud of myself for going out, with my hair down and not for once lifting my hand up to pull it. I can’t even tell you guys enough how much strength it took for me to do that. I do it both in the ‘I know I’m pulling I wish I could stop phase’ and ‘I’m watching TV, I’m out with friends I will automatically pull and not realise’ I was really aware the whole time of making myself, basically forcing myself not to pull. It was such a success as well because I had straightened my hair and I’m not sure if anyone else’s hair is the same as mine but when it’s had heat on it becomes coarse. Which is a massive massive trigger for me which starts me pulling. I knew there would be hairs like that and I didn’t even give Trich the time or the day. I can’t say the same for when I got home and watching TV because I caught myself doing it, but that was a massive, massive step for me. Massive. Let’s celebrate together!

Jacket – Zara sale (similar here)

Culottes – Zara sale (similar here)

Top – New Look (similar here)

Shoes – Primark (similar here)