Online friends, role models, bullying and a little bit of news. 

So, on the 29th October 2010 it was the first time I met one of my role models growing up, Dannii Minogue. Exactly, seven years ago today and I can remember the lead up to it so very very well. That feeling of not being able to sleep the night before out of pure excitement. Creating a card from scratch, which I had an argument with the card shop man about getting the perfect card… to then being able to give it to Dannii. I remember, watching Dannii on X Factor for years, walking into newsagents and seeing Dannii on magazine covers and buying them and collecting them (not ashamed to say I still have them). I never thought, that I’d ever meet the real lady herself.

Funny story about the actual day, whilst we were waiting in line to meet, Dannii walked down to where she would be signing her new book and it was literally the first time I had ever seen her, in flesh. I remember turning to my friends and saying ‘omg she’s real’ – how cute! 

As I was growing up I was teased a lot and made fun out of supporting Dannii and the other people I looked up to.

But what people didn’t know, was… watching Dannii on X Factor every weekend and the fact that she tweeted back took me away from the real life problems that was going on… for example – BULLYING.  I’ve touched on bullying on my blog before. It’s such a part of my life, although it is such a sad, horrible part, yet a big part… that I only really talk about it in context.

I was bullied right from year one at school to when I left in year 11. I would be wary and on my toes, every single day at school. A few times, during school, I was left on my own in break times and lunch times. I’d go into lessons and have the words ‘spongebob squarepants’ or just the plain and simple words ‘SQUARE HEAD!’ shouted at me, continuously until I believed it. I believed I had a square head, especially with the amount of people who used to remind me of it, every single day.

Even now, today… it has knocked my confidence so much. I’m away from the people who used to call me names, but their words have scarred me. I find it incredibly difficult to speak up about ideas in a work/education situation. I never did it whilst at school, because I didn’t think the class would be worthy of my answer. To them, I just thought I was a square head and that was it. To this day, I still don’t know how I put up with it for years and years. How did I let people degrade me and make me feel like that? 

I wasn’t scared as such to go to lessons, they didn’t scare me… it was just, the thought of being called it continuously, even when I was minding my own business and stayed out of people’s way..  sadly it didn’t make them stop. I remember, so many lunch times and break times you would never see me on the school playground or field. I felt more safe and secure being inside the school, even if I did annoy the teachers. 

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(Seeing Dannii seven years ago to this day – 29/10/2010) 

But, becoming a supporter (I detest the word fan) of Dannii and Kylie and all the other people I’m a fan of, I felt validated. Something I didn’t feel from my own age group in real life. I had Twitter before everyone else caught on at school, and through Twitter and Dannii/Kylie I was able to make friends. Friends I still have to this day. Friends, I will always, always be grateful for. I didn’t talk about being bullied online at school because I was scared. But these people made me feel like I had friends outside the few I had at school. Even if they weren’t right there with me. 

Through the friends I had made on Twitter and online, I felt listened to. People would reply to my tweets and made me feel like people cared as well as making me feel people wanted to talk to me.

And guess what? Not once on the internet or since school have I been called a square head. Not once. 

People may of teased me back then about looking up to a celebrity(ies) but what they didn’t know is, they helped me feel me again. They helped me make friends that I still see to this day. They have made me feel validated. 

I still struggle every day with self confidence issues and just confidence in general. 

In fact, I have my dream job trial day tomorrow (30th October) and because of my confidence issue of speaking out ideas, and believing in myself, if I am good enough… I’m terrified. But I’m gonna try my absolute best. 

I hope this post helps people out there. In one way or another. It was incredibly hard to type but I’m so glad I have.

Most of all, thank you to all the role models that I have looked up to, who have helped me make friends for life and for making me the happiest when I was the saddest. 

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Bullying VS Trich

The one thing I love about my blog is that I now have the confidence to share my experiences to help other people know they aren’t alone. That is what I hope to do with this post. In my first ever Trich post explaining an overall of my story and what Trich is I mentioned about bullying. Bullying was such a massive massive part of my schooling. I was bullied constantly for nine years. Right from year three through to year eleven. It was a huge part of my life. I’m not going to go into every single detail about how I was bullied in this post but I will give some examples. I think it so emotional and so upsetting thinking back to this time, how a groups of people can make someone feel that bad. I would still like to know what goes through a bullies mind to make them chose ways to mentally, emotionally and sadly sometimes physically destroy innocent people.

I will talk more of my high school experience of bullying as that is more prominent in my mind. I was bullied, believe it or not, for having a ‘square shaped head’ I know right, ridiculous? I had Spongebob Squarepants shouted, and I mean physically shouted at across classrooms, down corridors, around corners and even in the street. I would have the theme tune hummed as I walked by. I had square head shouted and drilled into my mind every single day whilst in high school that I began to believe I had one and there was something wrong with me. I had people walk by me making square gestures with their hands, a bit like big fish little fish cardboard box. These people were usually in groups which I still find funny now that if I saw them on their own they wouldn’t even think of doing it. You know perhaps showing off to their mates to look ‘cool’ but instead they were awful people and they were destroying someones self belief and worth.

Having words like these drilled in your head for years makes your self confidence and self worth plummet. I still to this day am not as confident as what I would like to be. I used to be so scared to put my hand up in class if I knew the answer, incase it was wrong and the class would abrupt into a laughter and shout horrible, horrible things to me. Now, looking back I shouldn’t of cared. I should of gone for it but they made me feel so so so bad. I have presentations at uni now, which I do almost every week to show how we develop our ideas I still feel sick, I still shake and I still have panic attacks about them now. I blame the bullies for this completely. 

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Whilst they were shouting things at me in the classroom I had to have something which distracted me. I needed something which I could block out their voices and laughter. I needed something that showed them I didn’t care, although I cared so so much. I didn’t have the voice then to tell them to be quiet and go away. I didn’t have the confidence and I 100% didn’t have the power, especially when they were in groups.

That’s when Trich came in. I’ve mentioned before that when I go to pull my hair, most of the time I get into a trance state which I can’t get out of until Trich is satisfied. I barely know what’s going on around me and my hair took full focus. Back then, I used to blame the fact I was nervous onto why I pulled my hair as I had no idea what it was. I used to pull and snap away and away. I didn’t understand Trich at all back then. I didn’t even know what it was so I didn’t have near enough as much frustration with it then as I do now. I got angry because I couldn’t stop. I got told more and more and no one understood that I couldn’t and I was in fact using it as a coping mechanism to get past these awful bullies.

Although this was only one part of what bullies done, they also stopped me from coming out of school and in school on time because of waiting at the gate for when I left. I was so physically scared that I would go into registration late almost every morning and have a teacher walk me to the gate at the end of the day. That happened all the way up to year ten. They stopped me from ‘hanging’ around with my friends at lunchtime and made me be on my own many lunchtimes. They used to corner me in classrooms and in changing rooms and were just so nasty to me, saying awful things that weren’t true. I had rumours made up about me and I was basically the girl they could throw all this shit to and nothing happen because I was that scared. I did tell teachers but I still think to this day they were scared of them too and didn’t want to make a massive deal of it. It didn’t stop at school either, I had messages on Bebo remember them days? that would be nasty. They used to make me scared to log on to see what was in my inbox. I think their mission was to stop me from having any social time at all, in real life or on the internet. Screen Shot 2016-10-02 at 11.38.52.pngI’ve now sat and thought about it and now I’m grateful it happened like that at school. I wouldn’t know now how to stand up for myself without them tormenting me all the time. I wouldn’t know that I have this strength inside me to say enough is enough if it started up again. I would not let anyone, whoever they are, make me feel like that ever again. They may have ‘grown up’ and forgot about the way they treated people like me at school but I haven’t. They have mentally scarred my self confidence and self worth.

If you are being bullied then please please message me. On any of my social media or email. I know what you’re going through 100%. I’ve been there and I’ve done it but trust me it gets better. Please don’t let them take control of you. If you have a teacher you like at school then please go and tell them. You don’t have to put up with it. You shouldn’t put up with it. You can overcome them. You’re so much stronger than you think, trust me.

And finally, to them bullies… THANK YOU for making me the strong person I am today. You may have made my life hell for nine years but now I’m stronger than you could imagine. You didn’t win, I DID, I WON.

Here are some organisations which can help you if you’re getting bullied, they’re there to listen to you also and give the best advice they can… Please don’t be afraid to get in contact if you need them: