Bullying VS Trich

The one thing I love about my blog is that I now have the confidence to share my experiences to help other people know they aren’t alone. That is what I hope to do with this post. In my first ever Trich post explaining an overall of my story and what Trich is I mentioned about bullying. Bullying was such a massive massive part of my schooling. I was bullied constantly for nine years. Right from year three through to year eleven. It was a huge part of my life. I’m not going to go into every single detail about how I was bullied in this post but I will give some examples. I think it so emotional and so upsetting thinking back to this time, how a groups of people can make someone feel that bad. I would still like to know what goes through a bullies mind to make them chose ways to mentally, emotionally and sadly sometimes physically destroy innocent people.

I will talk more of my high school experience of bullying as that is more prominent in my mind. I was bullied, believe it or not, for having a ‘square shaped head’ I know right, ridiculous? I had Spongebob Squarepants shouted, and I mean physically shouted at across classrooms, down corridors, around corners and even in the street. I would have the theme tune hummed as I walked by. I had square head shouted and drilled into my mind every single day whilst in high school that I began to believe I had one and there was something wrong with me. I had people walk by me making square gestures with their hands, a bit like big fish little fish cardboard box. These people were usually in groups which I still find funny now that if I saw them on their own they wouldn’t even think of doing it. You know perhaps showing off to their mates to look ‘cool’ but instead they were awful people and they were destroying someones self belief and worth.

Having words like these drilled in your head for years makes your self confidence and self worth plummet. I still to this day am not as confident as what I would like to be. I used to be so scared to put my hand up in class if I knew the answer, incase it was wrong and the class would abrupt into a laughter and shout horrible, horrible things to me. Now, looking back I shouldn’t of cared. I should of gone for it but they made me feel so so so bad. I have presentations at uni now, which I do almost every week to show how we develop our ideas I still feel sick, I still shake and I still have panic attacks about them now. I blame the bullies for this completely. 

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Whilst they were shouting things at me in the classroom I had to have something which distracted me. I needed something which I could block out their voices and laughter. I needed something that showed them I didn’t care, although I cared so so much. I didn’t have the voice then to tell them to be quiet and go away. I didn’t have the confidence and I 100% didn’t have the power, especially when they were in groups.

That’s when Trich came in. I’ve mentioned before that when I go to pull my hair, most of the time I get into a trance state which I can’t get out of until Trich is satisfied. I barely know what’s going on around me and my hair took full focus. Back then, I used to blame the fact I was nervous onto why I pulled my hair as I had no idea what it was. I used to pull and snap away and away. I didn’t understand Trich at all back then. I didn’t even know what it was so I didn’t have near enough as much frustration with it then as I do now. I got angry because I couldn’t stop. I got told more and more and no one understood that I couldn’t and I was in fact using it as a coping mechanism to get past these awful bullies.

Although this was only one part of what bullies done, they also stopped me from coming out of school and in school on time because of waiting at the gate for when I left. I was so physically scared that I would go into registration late almost every morning and have a teacher walk me to the gate at the end of the day. That happened all the way up to year ten. They stopped me from ‘hanging’ around with my friends at lunchtime and made me be on my own many lunchtimes. They used to corner me in classrooms and in changing rooms and were just so nasty to me, saying awful things that weren’t true. I had rumours made up about me and I was basically the girl they could throw all this shit to and nothing happen because I was that scared. I did tell teachers but I still think to this day they were scared of them too and didn’t want to make a massive deal of it. It didn’t stop at school either, I had messages on Bebo remember them days? that would be nasty. They used to make me scared to log on to see what was in my inbox. I think their mission was to stop me from having any social time at all, in real life or on the internet. Screen Shot 2016-10-02 at 11.38.52.pngI’ve now sat and thought about it and now I’m grateful it happened like that at school. I wouldn’t know now how to stand up for myself without them tormenting me all the time. I wouldn’t know that I have this strength inside me to say enough is enough if it started up again. I would not let anyone, whoever they are, make me feel like that ever again. They may have ‘grown up’ and forgot about the way they treated people like me at school but I haven’t. They have mentally scarred my self confidence and self worth.

If you are being bullied then please please message me. On any of my social media or email. I know what you’re going through 100%. I’ve been there and I’ve done it but trust me it gets better. Please don’t let them take control of you. If you have a teacher you like at school then please go and tell them. You don’t have to put up with it. You shouldn’t put up with it. You can overcome them. You’re so much stronger than you think, trust me.

And finally, to them bullies… THANK YOU for making me the strong person I am today. You may have made my life hell for nine years but now I’m stronger than you could imagine. You didn’t win, I DID, I WON.

Here are some organisations which can help you if you’re getting bullied, they’re there to listen to you also and give the best advice they can… Please don’t be afraid to get in contact if you need them:

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I hate you Trich.

Today marks the beginning of BFRB awareness week and I feel like I can really share some of my stories, tips and how I’m feeling throughout this week. I didn’t want my second post for this week to be negative but, I had a really bad Trich night last night which I think sharing the reasons why I HATE Trich will help people who have Trich relate and realise their thoughts aren’t bad or wrong and in fact they aren’t alone.

Recently, I’m going to be honest, Trich hasn’t been fulfront of my mind. This week I just went back to university and a whole lot of work thrown in front of my face and third year is becoming more and more real by the second. As well as other things that are happening I haven’t felt like Trich has really been there. It probably was but I didn’t know about it, that happens a lot too. In the past two days I have had my hair down the WHOLE day. Major major deal guys. I went to an event with my blog which was so lovely to see other bloggers at and I also went to London. The journey to London is twice as long from Southampton as it is from home and Trich does not like long long journeys. When I went to London on the way there I had the horrible horrible constant thoughts of ‘you should pull’ ‘why aren’t you pulling’ ‘you’re doing nothing with your time right now – bingo easy time to pull’ ‘you have neglected me for so long why haven’t you pulled’ and I managed to push past them, try and quiet that voice and managed to beat it. That was until I was ONE… Just one stop away from home and I began pulling. It must of been around 9PM I started and was still pulling and snapping at midnight. It sounds so silly but I had straightened my hair yesterday because I wanted it to look nice, and pretty for once. Straighteners make my hair coarse and it is such a huge huge trigger for me. It was like my mind thought, hellllllll no we are not letting her forget she straightened her hair, she will get them urges to pull and she will pull. I tell you, Trich tries its absolute hardest to ruin any positive thoughts I have with my hair and 90% of the time I let it win… I’m so silly, I know.

Whilst I was lying awake pulling and pulling all these thoughts came to me as to why I HATE Trich. Hate is a really really strong word but I would not wish Trich on my worst enemy. Here are the thoughts that came to me last night:

  • TIME CONSUMING. Holy hell. It wouldn’t even matter if I was at work, if I had to be somewhere Trich will ALWAYS stop me from doing that AND make me spend hours on pulling. When I sit down to do uni work, get ready or something as simple and brushing my hair 50% of the time I’m sat there waiting for it to pass so I can actually do what I was meant to do.
  • Embarrassing. I felt this more on the train yesterday. You know that feeling where it’s busy and you sit there pulling and pulling and pulling and can SEE PEOPLE STARING. I don’t think people realise how sad, upset and little it makes you feel. I wish people minded their own business more.
  • People thinking its ‘weird’. ‘Why do you pull you’re hair out?’ ‘Doesn’t it hurt?’ ‘It’s so weird you do that’ I’ll tell you now, if I could miraculously stop pulling I would. I would stop as soon as. I’ve been suffering from this for years and years. In fact I worked out it was around when I was 8 it began which means I’ve been suffering with this for a good fourteen years. If I could stop wouldn’t you think I had done by now?
  • If I don’t want to get in a photo, or I’m fussing over my hair that’s because I feel so insecure. If my hair is broken at the sides I’m going to make it look less like that. I’m going to want to spend time sorting my hair out, maybe more than other people. I’m not doing it because I’m vain, it’s because I feel so rubbish if I don’t.
  • Self confidence is down the pan. From last night I feel this more. I feel like I’ve taken 100 steps back after my 200 forward. I’m not going to lie I’m frightened my hair will look like it did at the beginning of the year. I’m frightened if one step back will make it go further and further back and I will be back at step one. It’s happened so many times it is possible. I’m frightened.

 

There are many other reasons I hate it, most because I try so hard to get people to understand and it’s hard. I don’t understand it myself and trying to get other people to understand is so much harder than I thought. This week I will be sharing some experiences I’ve had whilst having Trich, some reasons to what I think has caused it and some tips.

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(Photo credit – Instagram)

I’m sorry again this is quite a negative post, but it isn’t always sunshine living with this and where it is sunshine I like to celebrate it, hard.