Update on Trich

It’s not a good one guys. I think it’s always good to keep a balance of how much a rollercoaster mental health truly is whilst writing about it, especially on my own blog. I feel so sad writing this. I had come so far with my hair. I had got to a point where I felt so much more confident, a point where I thought YES. Oh hell YES I feel fabulous. I had got to a point where I had been taking selfies and comparing them to my hair from a few years ago and noticing change then thinking, oh girl – I’m so proud of you.

It wasn’t until recently, I have been noticing I am pulling a lot more than in the last seven months. I know thatΒ trich thinks it is OK for me to pull as it thinks it helps me deal with anxiety and to a certain extent it does that. It takes my mind off the matter but it is also SO self destructive and definitely not something I see as coping, except my brain seems to think it is. Whilst I may not be panicking on the outside because of anxiety and it’s crippling effects I am panicking on the inside. Saying to myself over and over and over again that I cannot allow my hair to get in the state it was a few years ago. I have this self conscious feeling that not only will I let myself down BIG time but I will let everyone else down who has given me the confidence and help that I needed. That I let the people down who have been proud of the way my hair has grown and not been broken off for a long time and I can’t let that happen.

I’m not 100% certain that my hair has declined completely down to trich. If you have seen my hair recently you would know that back in August I had dyed my hair blonde. I’ve dyed my hair blonde before and I had always had to go back to brown, not because of the growth and having to keep up but because my hair is so brittle from how much I pull it that there was no other way which I could have healthy hair. Whereas now I have decided that my hair was at the most amount of strength it had ever been and I would be able to keep blonde. After all, blonde makes me feel SO sassy. I’m very very pale and I feel like although dark brown is my natural colour is washes me out. Blonde just makes me feel SO good about myself. At least I think it does, despite the shear amount of hair that comes out with a hairbrush and on the floor when it breaks off. But thenΒ I do think that has GOT to be the mix of Trich and my hair colour. Usually people I know get frustrated their roots are growing through, especially when it is so dark whereas I am so glad they’re there. It means that my hair has actually began to grow back despite the torture I put it through. Trich will not stop me from being blonde and feeling sassy. I have to try and keep it’s thoughts about going brown away. Trich, you do enough damage as it is to my confidence.

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(My thoughts to Trich – damn you)

I’m working so hard not to punish myself for it happening. I’ve been through this whole journey, round and round in circles for years and years. I know there are highs and there are the most awful lows that comes with having this mental health illness but somehow that high I did have recently with my hair is making me want to get back to that stage, at least I’m trying to.

If you are going through a similar thing and can feel yourself slipping back to the way you were before, please just remember the highs you have experienced. Remember those little or big things you may have done, towards your recovery which made you so proud. Remember that feeling as much as you can and YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. I will be doing the same journey around in the circle I have done all too many times and so familiar of, but I’m going to try my absolute hardest to keep them moments clear in my mind, you’ve got to.

I hope I can make those people that were proud of me and maybe have let down by going back to this way for the however many time, I will make proud again. I will also make myself proud, most importantly. I may not be ready for this journey again, but I feel like I’m way more equipped. Trich, you tried to defeat my self confidence SO many times, I’m ready to defeat you again.

Bring it on.

Busting Anxiety πŸ’ͺ🏻

Ever had an awful feeling something so simple as a conversation you haven’t had yet, take over your every thought and action? Last week was a big week for me reguarding beating one part of mental health I battle against every day – anxiety. I haven’t discussed anxiety in itself on my blog before but it’s time I did. I’m so proud of myself. So so SO proud of myself.


Here’s some feelings I have put into questions that I experienced:

How many times and how many conversations can you really make up that could potentially happen but then to just think constantly about the answers and how you could perhaps change the way you respond to them can one person make?

How many nights will I lack sleep or have disturbed sleep?

How many of them nights will I wake up in a sweat/panic?

How much hair will I have pulled out due to Trich thinking it is a great time to play up? (Oh Trich just never lets me live, it has me under its thumb… grrrrr)

To finish, how many times will my dreams incorporate this meeting and make me think of every single thing that could go wrong and resulting in waking up with my heart going so fast it makes me shake? All over one meeting, that my mind over thought and over thought and would not let me rest.

It was like this whilst outside the room where I had this meeting, let alone the lead up to it. My anxiety was literally shouting at me whilst on my way and outside, telling me to go back home and I wasn’t worthy of talking to someone. That the person I was about to talk to didn’t care and that no one cares. That what I was feeling, I deserved. Anxiety is a nasty, nasty thing to live with. It makes it so hard to get on with your daily life without having these potential set-backs. The reality of anxiety is, it is not cute. Anxiety isn’t trendy. It is awful to feel this way over things that would be so normal to do for every other person. It frustrates me no end the stigma surrounding anxiety.

The day before I had one of the most incredible books delivered* to me. The book is called “We’re All Mad Around Here” and is a guide on how to cope and survive social anxiety. It’s written by a fab lady called Claire Eastham and I have a lot to thank this woman. When she asked me if I’d like a proof copy of this book I couldn’t turn it down. I read the entire book in one night and she made me feel less alone. The way the book is written is like she is talking to you. There is the perfect mix between the science of why these feelings happen and her own experiences. The addition of Claire’s own experiences makes you feel like you’re not alone, especially when you can relate. I learnt an awful, awful lot about social anxiety from this book. I learnt ways that I can help myself and I learnt ways I can help others.

I was able to take what I learnt from this book to before my meeting to make me feel less anxious and nervous. I will be reading this book again, especially if I’m ever in that situation.


I’m proud of myself, that although all the signals in my mind told me to turn around and go home, I was able to overcome them and go into the meeting. Even if the lady told me to put my laptop down because I was shaking too much and was making her feel giddy. I did it. I didn’t let anxiety and it’s overpowering thoughts take over. I’m so glad I did too, it helped me a lot.

If you have something important coming up and you’re in the same situation I believe you can do it. If I was in the state I was and did it, you can as well. You’ve got totally got this. Bust anxiety in the floor and show it, you’re the boss… not anxiety.
** I was sent this as a little gift not as a sponser! Thank you so much to the lovely Claire 😘

#WorldMentalHealthDay 10th October

I’ve said in a post previously that I’m going to take time away from my blog to focus on my studies, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to write a post about World Mental Health Day which takes place on October 10th. I’m quite the advocate of Mental Health especially now I have found a place where I can share my story to the world.

Although I feel that sharing my story with the world means I am putting myself in the firing line. I always worry that people will think I write on my blog about my experiences to gain attention. I’ve been suffering withΒ Trichotillomania for over fourteen years now, which is a massive, massive part of my life I wouldn’t be writing my posts for attention. I post them for awareness. I worry that people will think that I ‘know it all’ which I really 100% don’t. I don’t even understand the depths of my own mental health illness. Let alone any of the others.

What I’m trying to say is, I write these posts to help at least one person. That is my aim, every time I pour my emotions into a post and quite frankly let the world into sometimes my deep and dark feelings.Β I write my blogposts to help raise awareness.

I think it’s so important that you shouldn’t be silenced because you suffer from a mental health illness. Suffering with a mental health illness is just as valid as suffering from a physical illness. Not everyone will understand what you’re feeling or going through, hell you might not understand what is happening with your feelings yourself, I myself feel this all the time. I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up these days. I never know if I’m going to get a huge awful mood that covers my whole day like a massive storm cloud. I never know if Trich is going to worm its way into my day and make me pull half my hair out and make me feel worse than I already do. This is why it is SO important to speak out. To someone you know, to someone professional or in a journal/your own blog. Whichever makes you feel most comfortable.

It takes me a lot of energy and power to post the posts I do, but the support you receive from it helps you. It helps you know that you aren’t alone and you aren’t being silly or however you may feel. It helps not only you by getting these thoughts and feelings out but it helps other people understand too. I am so grateful that I started writing about my mental health journey and although there are times where I know it may not be everyone’s cup of tea or everyone would want to read it, it makes me happy when people do.

Please, if you ever get comments from people online, or from people you know try your best to ignore them. It makes them shallow and they’re clearly uneducated/misunderstanding. I just hope with everything I have they never feel the way we do most days. Just think of your blog/speaking out about how you feel as educating someone about how another human is feeling.

Do not ever feel silenced.

You’ve got this, 100%.Β 

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Bullying VS Trich

The one thing I love about my blog is that I now have the confidence to share my experiences to help other people know they aren’t alone. That is what I hope to do with this post. In my first ever Trich post explaining an overall of my story and what Trich is I mentioned about bullying. Bullying was such a massive massive part of my schooling. I was bullied constantly for nine years. Right from year three through to year eleven. It was a huge part of my life. I’m not going to go into every single detail about how I was bullied in this post but I will give some examples. I think it so emotional and so upsetting thinking back to this time, how a groups of people can make someone feel that bad. I would still like to know what goes through a bullies mind to make them chose ways to mentally, emotionally and sadly sometimes physically destroy innocent people.

I will talk more of my high school experience of bullying as that is more prominent in my mind. I was bullied, believe it or not, for having a ‘square shaped head’ I know right, ridiculous? I had Spongebob Squarepants shouted, and I mean physically shouted at across classrooms, down corridors, around corners and even in the street. I would have the theme tune hummed as I walked by. I had square head shouted and drilled into my mind every single day whilst in high school that I began to believe I had one and there was something wrong with me. I had people walk by me making square gestures with their hands, a bit like big fish little fish cardboard box. These people were usually in groups which I still find funny now that if I saw them on their own they wouldn’t even think of doing it. You know perhaps showing off to their mates to look ‘cool’ but instead they were awful people and they were destroying someones self belief and worth.

Having words like these drilled in your head for years makes your self confidence and self worth plummet. I still to this day am not as confident as what I would like to be. I used to be so scared to put my hand up in class if I knew the answer, incase it was wrong and the class would abrupt into a laughter and shout horrible, horrible things to me. Now, looking back I shouldn’t of cared. I should of gone for it but they made me feel so so so bad. I have presentations at uni now, which I do almost every week to show how we develop our ideas I still feel sick, I still shake and I still have panic attacks about them now. I blame the bullies for this completely.Β 

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Whilst they were shouting things at me in the classroom I had to have something which distracted me. I needed something which I could block out their voices and laughter. I needed something that showed them I didn’t care, although I cared so so much. I didn’t have the voice then to tell them to be quiet and go away. I didn’t have the confidence and I 100% didn’t have the power, especially when they were in groups.

That’s when Trich came in. I’ve mentioned before that when I go to pull my hair, most of the time I get into a trance state which I can’t get out of until Trich is satisfied. I barely know what’s going on around me and my hair took full focus. Back then, I used to blame the fact I was nervous onto why I pulled my hair as I had no idea what it was. I used to pull and snap away and away. I didn’t understand Trich at all back then. I didn’t even know what it was so I didn’t have near enough as much frustration with it then as I do now. I got angry because I couldn’t stop. I got told more and more and no one understood that I couldn’t and I was in fact using it as a coping mechanism to get past these awful bullies.

Although this was only one part of what bullies done, they also stopped me from coming out of school and in school on time because of waiting at the gate for when I left. I was so physically scared that I would go into registration late almost every morning and have a teacher walk me to the gate at the end of the day. That happened all the way up to year ten. They stopped me from ‘hanging’ around with my friends at lunchtime and made me be on my own many lunchtimes. They used to corner me in classrooms and in changing rooms and were just so nasty to me, saying awful things that weren’t true. I had rumours made up about me and I was basically the girl they could throw all this shit to and nothing happen because I was that scared. I did tell teachers but I still think to this day they were scared of them too and didn’t want to make a massive deal of it. It didn’t stop at school either, I hadΒ messages on Bebo remember them days?Β that would be nasty. They used to make me scared to log on to see what was in my inbox. I think their mission was to stop me from having any social time at all, in real life or on the internet.Β Screen Shot 2016-10-02 at 11.38.52.pngI’ve now sat and thought about it and now I’m grateful it happened like that at school. I wouldn’t know now how to stand up for myself without them tormenting me all the time. I wouldn’t know that I have this strength inside me to say enough is enough if it started up again. I would not let anyone, whoever they are, make me feel like that ever again. They may have ‘grown up’ and forgot about the way they treated people like me at school but I haven’t. They have mentally scarred my self confidence and self worth.

If you are being bullied then please please message me. On any of my social media or email. I know what you’re going through 100%. I’ve been there and I’ve done it but trust me it gets better. Please don’t let them take control of you. If you have a teacher you like at school then please go and tell them. You don’t have to put up with it. You shouldn’t put up with it. You can overcome them. You’re so much stronger than you think, trust me.

And finally, to them bullies… THANK YOU for making me the strong person I am today. You may have made my life hell for nine years but now I’m stronger than you could imagine. You didn’t win, I DID, I WON.

Here are some organisations which can help you if you’re getting bullied, they’re there to listen to you also and give the best advice they can… Please don’t be afraid to get in contact if you need them:

Trich is trichy.

YAY! Lets start this post off with a positive.. I’ve just finished my second year of university! What a year it has been, full of ups and downs but its now d o n e.Β I’m looking forward to the break although I’ve now just started an internship in London, so its full on still with trying to mix that with work.

However, this post will be a little different to my other posts of reviews and such. This week is Mental Health Awareness week and to start it off I thought I’d write a little bit about me I don’t usually share and show you some uni work which is related to this. This blog post will tie in with one of the latest projects I’ve done for uni. It was a Triptych project which we had to create three pieces of art which work alongside each other and cause a reaction of any kind to the public. Whether that be shocked/intrigued or gets people thinking what on earth is that about once they’ve seen it.Β I took this opportunity to base it on a mental health illness which is close to me. I saw this as an opportunity to raise more awareness for it as not many people know it exists.

I suffer from a mental health condition called Trichotillomania (or Trich for some). To start Trich is a condition where a person has a impulsive control Β hair pulling disorder, whether that be one of many things: eyebrows, eyelashes or hair pulling from the top of your head – which is what I currently suffer from. No matter how hard I try to stop pulling, the more I think about it the more I pull and it is exhausting. Imagine cleaning your carpet week to week and pulling up massive hair balls from it from the way you just cannot stop pulling. For me, even the thought of going bald in places still doesn’t ‘stop’ me. There’s something that tells me “yes I know you want to pull but…. there could be hair on your head that is ‘dead’ or has a massive split in it, which you do not need.” This disorder is exhausting and debilitating. It makes you feel sad and it makes you feel angry at the best of times. Many people just don’t understand you, the more they say “Don’t pull” the more you get angry and feel like shouting back “I WOULD IF I COULD!!!” Believe it or not, it doesn’t make us feel any better, instead it makes us feel worse about ourselves.

I do have triggers which set it off. Usually if I’m feeling stressed, anxious, sad or maybe I know this sounds weird but even bored can set it off. I suffer a lot with feeling anxious about a lot of things. There could be simple things such as laying in bed at night and knowing that you have turned the oven off but just the small thought of it even being on could set me off and the only way I can control it is… pulling at my hair. I’ve been at interviews recently and the only way I can control not feeling unbelievably sick or worried is by pulling my hair. I guess its seen as a way to relieve and pull out that part of me which is making me feel so so ill and worried, who knows? The brain is such a weird thing.

TRYPTCH FINAL

I just wanted to share with you all a little bit about me which I don’t make public a lot, unless you know me to raise awareness as well as sharing with you all the latest piece of work I’ve done from uni. I’d love to know what you think about this… what is your reaction and do you ‘get it’?

Thank you for reading this far if you did, it means the world to me.

Speak soon,

Charlotte.