It’s not a good one guys. I think it’s always good to keep a balance of how much a rollercoaster mental health truly is whilst writing about it, especially on my own blog. I feel so sad writing this. I had come so far with my hair. I had got to a point where I felt so much more confident, a point where I thought YES. Oh hell YES I feel fabulous. I had got to a point where I had been taking selfies and comparing them to my hair from a few years ago and noticing change then thinking, oh girl – I’m so proud of you.
It wasn’t until recently, I have been noticing I am pulling a lot more than in the last seven months. I know that trich thinks it is OK for me to pull as it thinks it helps me deal with anxiety and to a certain extent it does that. It takes my mind off the matter but it is also SO self destructive and definitely not something I see as coping, except my brain seems to think it is. Whilst I may not be panicking on the outside because of anxiety and it’s crippling effects I am panicking on the inside. Saying to myself over and over and over again that I cannot allow my hair to get in the state it was a few years ago. I have this self conscious feeling that not only will I let myself down BIG time but I will let everyone else down who has given me the confidence and help that I needed. That I let the people down who have been proud of the way my hair has grown and not been broken off for a long time and I can’t let that happen.
I’m not 100% certain that my hair has declined completely down to trich. If you have seen my hair recently you would know that back in August I had dyed my hair blonde. I’ve dyed my hair blonde before and I had always had to go back to brown, not because of the growth and having to keep up but because my hair is so brittle from how much I pull it that there was no other way which I could have healthy hair. Whereas now I have decided that my hair was at the most amount of strength it had ever been and I would be able to keep blonde. After all, blonde makes me feel SO sassy. I’m very very pale and I feel like although dark brown is my natural colour is washes me out. Blonde just makes me feel SO good about myself. At least I think it does, despite the shear amount of hair that comes out with a hairbrush and on the floor when it breaks off. But then I do think that has GOT to be the mix of Trich and my hair colour. Usually people I know get frustrated their roots are growing through, especially when it is so dark whereas I am so glad they’re there. It means that my hair has actually began to grow back despite the torture I put it through. Trich will not stop me from being blonde and feeling sassy. I have to try and keep it’s thoughts about going brown away. Trich, you do enough damage as it is to my confidence.
(My thoughts to Trich – damn you)
I’m working so hard not to punish myself for it happening. I’ve been through this whole journey, round and round in circles for years and years. I know there are highs and there are the most awful lows that comes with having this mental health illness but somehow that high I did have recently with my hair is making me want to get back to that stage, at least I’m trying to.
If you are going through a similar thing and can feel yourself slipping back to the way you were before, please just remember the highs you have experienced. Remember those little or big things you may have done, towards your recovery which made you so proud. Remember that feeling as much as you can and YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. I will be doing the same journey around in the circle I have done all too many times and so familiar of, but I’m going to try my absolute hardest to keep them moments clear in my mind, you’ve got to.
I hope I can make those people that were proud of me and maybe have let down by going back to this way for the however many time, I will make proud again. I will also make myself proud, most importantly. I may not be ready for this journey again, but I feel like I’m way more equipped. Trich, you tried to defeat my self confidence SO many times, I’m ready to defeat you again.
Bring it on.