The majority of my Mental Health (MH) posts are positive. If I can and where I can I like to be positive and certainly spread positivity on my blog when I can – if you can do that with MH. I like to have this motto that if someone is feeling the way they do, whilst going through what I am similarly, I like to let them know they’re not alone. Although I like to keep my posts positive there are down days, or in my case a down week on the MH front.
(Photo credit Instagram – my fav Trich one)
It started on Sunday night and probably sounds so pathetic to people if they don’t already know, but my thumb nail (I have falsies) flinged off, literally. Before I decided to have them done on my birthday as a birthday treat in April my thumb nails had left dents in my index finger on both hands and dry skin from where I would constantly press the same spot whilst pulling and make split ends in my hair ready to pull. It got to a point a few times where that area would bleed. It’d be so painful, but it had to be done to satisfy Trichotillomania (Trich).
In April, having my nails done, it completely changed the whole pulling game. It suddenly became so much more difficult to pull my hair with having a great big nail stuck to my thumb nails. You may be thinking it would be easier, but the thickness to an acrylic nail compared to your natural nail is so much more. As you could imagine I now had this natural nail underneath, which some snapped with the acrylic but there was still some there.
It took around thirty minutes/an hour for my Trich to realise and I began pulling. It was like the old days before. It was horrendous. It went on for hours and hours. I couldn’t sleep because of it, it literally just took over and no matter how hard I tried to stop myself I could not. I tried hiding my hands under the pillow, I tried to tie my hair up into little ponytails, I mean I was just in bed so no one would see, so why not? I tried absolutely every option I could think off to try and keep my hands busy and I just couldn’t.
As you could imagine it made me so upset. So, so upset. I felt like I had just gone back to five months ago in just a minute. I felt like everything I had worked on, all the no pulling days, all the hair I had managed to grow longer which was so much shorted five months ago had been taken away from me. I also had the feeling of shame and guilt as well as feeling alone. It was possibly one of the worst nights I’ve had.
The next morning however I had made a nail appointment and was willing to wait and pay as much money as I needed to, to get them sorted. I could not go through another night like that and I managed to have them done at around midday, which meant I didn’t have to go through the whole day pulling.
This has also effected me since. Since Sunday night where my Trich thought it was a good idea to just destroy my hair by endlessly pulling on it making split ends, even if I weren’t to pull them out now, it was like it wanted me to have some for other days. Ever since then I have pulled a whole lot more. So much more than I have for five months because I’m almost certain there are hairs in there that need to be pulled. I’m trying my hardest to explain to you how it feels and to understand it. It is debilitating and although I don’t think I’ve gone completely back to square one I have gone back a whole entire jump.
What is good about this is, I have learnt a lot in the last five months which I can take along redoing this part of the journey. I have also got a lot more people to talk to about this now since five months ago and they have a lot more understanding about it now, and I am so so thankful and grateful for these people – both family and friends. Let’s hope it doesn’t effect my anxiety and make me feel even worse than I already do.
I can do this – again.
(Photo credit – Instagram)